Thank God for a new day (Hope in the darkness)

So, so so so so so!!! I had a bit of an off day yesterday, to say the least. It seems that those days sometimes follow amazing days, and this was no exception. Thursday was an amazing day for me. I was creative, inspired, happy. I felt like a million and one bucks.. But then there was Friday.. Oh Friday.. Friday's have always been hard days for me. I think it's because I always feel pressure to do something exceedingly fun, party or something. Now that I am working at quitting drinking Friday's are even harder. So what was so bad about yesterday?

I didn't want to do anything or see anyone. I stayed in my bedroom mostly. I had this feeling of pointlessness that I couldn't shake. I know it's a lie but it still held me down the whole day. I was anxious and incapable of doing anything it seemed and surrounded by darkness.

I guess we all have bad days and that is something we can't really change but it's how we deal and move on that makes us who we are and shows our character.

Alfred to Bruce Wayne: Why do we fall, sir? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.

Leave it up to Alfred to sum it all up.. It's an interesting way to look at it. Why do we have bad days? Why do we screw up? why do we fall? So we can learn to show ourselves and others who we really are. So we can conquer our weaknesses. So we can overcome things. Be strong, smart, ground breaking, world changing. "Learn", being a key word in this. It's so important to stay humble and realize we always have a lot to learn.

I said I was going to post poems I wrote and now seems appropriate for this one. I wrote it quite a while ago but it is also part of the inspiration for my blog title.

If the world is round, than I am a square
If there's one thing I've found, it's that life isn't fair
If a day went by and a smile could remain
If all of my efforts weren't so pointless and in vein
But I can't just hide or close my eyes
with each new day the sun will rise
tomorrow gives a whole new try
and with it is my hope.

As you can see a major theme in this poem is sadness and the hardships of everyday. I was realizing, I guess when writing the poem that there was a lot of negativity I would always have to face. In the beginning wishing that I didn't have to face these things and that I could just keep my smile. It's normal to want to be happy, to dislike suffering but it's important that we don't just hide or run from the hard times because there is still hope. Hope for tomorrow is a big one because in some ways it's a chance or at least a feeling that we can start fresh.

Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist monk said simply,

"Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that TOMORROW will be better, we can bear a hardship today."

It is simple but hard to remember or put into practice. If we look at it metaphorically with hope being light and darkness being hopelessness it can help to illustrate a truth.

Light only needs a tiny pinhole to shine through and illuminate a whole room. Darkness can not exist where light is but the opposite isn't true. You can not turn on a dark, you can only take away the light. Once the light shows up the dark runs, hides, disappears. Hope is a beautiful thing because if we just let it enter our minds a little, it can drive away the hopelessness. Like light it just needs a tiny opening to really change our way of thinking.

I know sometimes when I am feeling bad, sad or unrad I almost seem to run from hope. It's a strange thing but it's almost like I want to feel that way. Like the sadness not only makes us sad but convinces our brains that we need to be sad.

WE DON'T!

So we have a bad day, in that moment we feel like we want to give up. But a bad day is just like a bump in a road when getting to a destination. They ultimately won't stop us from getting there but they might just make us say holy baloney on the way.

In fact!! Romans 8:28 says

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

So not only will it not stop us from getting to our destination, it can also be a good thing, a bad day can be part of a greater purpose. We know hope only needs a little tiny pin point hole to illuminate truth, like realizing things will work together for an overall good. A good that we can't always see when we miss the big picture of God's plan.

A bad day can be good because it helps us relate to others when they have bad days, It can help us appreciate the good days, it can give us time to reflect and maybe realize changes we need to make or places in our lives where we need healing, it can force us to look at the big picture and ask God for help, it shows us the true beauty and truth of HOPE. Just like panic attacks in my "I just don't feel right" blog post, we need to show love to bad days and they will loose a lot of their power.

We can and will overcome bad days, be better for it, have beautiful HOPE and LOVE for everything that happens in our lives and in the end live for great purpose!

Painting instead of fainting

Hi all,

I said I would be posting paintings, videos and poetry. Well I just finished a painting (read my post about finishing what we start). I took time on this one. When I was younger I would paint and my lack of patience meant I would always rush through them and they were never really as good as they could be. I guess that's a lesson through all areas of life. If we rush and don't take the time things need the picture will never be quite as clear. I am still learning but I am pretty happy with this one. It's acrylic which can be really hard to layer because it dries really fast. I do enjoy acrylic though because it has a thicker texture to it, unlike water color, and it washes off easy, unlike oil. I encourage anyone who has something they love to do, whether it be walking, talking, or singing, to do those things! They are LIFE giving and instilled in us for a reason. Our soul will become faint if we don't feed it with what it loves.

Let me know what you think about the painting and also what you love to do.

Hate is hate, so what's the debate?

I'm a Christian.. That means a few things about me..

I hate people who don't agree with me, I believe I am right all the time no matter what the facts say, I'm a hypocrite, I am naive, I love to judge everyone but myself..

Do these sound accurate?

Okay so I completely understand why people think these things. I do.

I don't like religion, never have. Jesus didn't like it either. I feel like it's people's way of controlling things and other people, it creates a chest puffing battle of who is more righteous. I guess that's in our nature, we, in some ways, know not what we do.. But ignorance is no excuse because it is easily remedied by truth. So what is the truth here?

Jesus Christ, who I strive to follow and who is the whole reason for Christianity said a few things.

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another." John 13:34-35

"But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward in heaven will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men." Luke 6:35

"Whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant; and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and to give His life a ransom for many." Mark 10:43-45

"Do not judge so that you will not be judged. "For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? "Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and behold, the log is in your own eye? "You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. Matthew 7:1-5

Early in the morning He came again into the temple, and all the people were coming to Him; and He sat down and began to teach them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman caught in adultery, and having set her in the center of the court, they said to Him, "Teacher, this woman has been caught in adultery, in the very act. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women; what then do You say?" They were saying this, testing Him, so that they might have grounds for accusing Him. But Jesus stooped down and with His finger wrote on the ground. But when they persisted in asking Him, He straightened up, and said to them, "He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. When they heard it, they began to go out one by one, beginning with the older ones, and He was left alone, and the woman, where she was, in the center of the court. Straightening up, Jesus said to her, "Woman, where are they? Did no one condemn you?" She said, "No one, Lord." And Jesus said, "I do not condemn you, either. Go. From now on sin no more." John 8:1-11

One thing is certain from reading these.. Jesus was teaching us to love, not Judge, to be fair and be like servants and not condemn each other. This was Jesus Christ doing and saying these things so as a Christian I can't argue that these aren't at the core of Christianity. So why are these things the opposite of people's ideas of Christians? When I say I am a Christian I feel like I am accountable to Christ and his teachings. I want to try to always love people, I strive not to judge or to hate.. I think that should be a fundamental part of being a Christian, being accountable to his teachings. Unfortunately religion has made Christ's teachings whatever it wants and tends to ignore the most basic principals.

I think I should also state here as a bit of history that I am a pastors kid but I hated church. I questioned God and Jesus at almost every turn as I grew up. I drank all the time, partied, and didn't care or even really think about Jesus or his teachings. I came back to Jesus in my life just recently really and it was on my own with out any influence from anyone after thinking about it for many many years. I am stubborn and think to much.. I just wanted anyone reading this to know some back story.. Okay so on with the yabogaloor!

I love what I am and I love what you are (Because love is love is love is love)

Everyone should be entitled to their own beliefs.. Whatever makes them feel fulfilled. Whatever gives them a reason to wake up in the morning as long as they aren't hurting anyone or forcing others to do anything against their own free will (Which I think is a God given gift). There is a lot of beauty in life. A Muslim can enjoy the same sunset a Buddhist, an Atheist or a Taoist enjoys. The only issue is when they argue over where the sun came from. Why can't we all just enjoy it? Even if I saw the sun formed by a giant monkey in a sailor hat, what harm could it do for me to let someone believe it came from a microwave if that's what works for them. I am still entitled to talk about the giant monkey but I really don't know what yelling at the person who doesn't believe it does.. It just causes tension and distance between two people/groups of people and then leads to hate. It also violates their free will (which again I think is a God given gift).

Focus Joel...

So I am a Christian and I realize so many "Christians" set a bad example, but they are ignoring or twisting what Jesus actually said if they are judging or making people feel bad about what they believe. Jesus would not be happy about that. He was already annoyed at the religious people at the time.. Check out what he said to them..

"Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and of the dish, but inside they are full of robbery and self-indulgence. You blind Pharisee, first clean the inside of the cup and of the dish, so that the outside of it may become clean also. Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which on the outside appear beautiful, but inside they are full of dead men's bones and all uncleanness. So you, too, outwardly appear righteous to men, but inwardly you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness..." Matthew 23:25-28

hmmmmm... Would Jesus say the same thing today to a lot of "Christians"?

I guess it's like this.. If you want to hate someone for being something that you don't agree with then maybe just start a religion called the haters because all hate is the same and at least it could be organized. We shouldn't argue over who to hate, where the hate should go, who's hate is more true.. It's all just hate and if you are hating you aren't helping... Wow that's clever you can quote me on that.

I strive to be what Jesus Christ wanted of me (non judgmental, Loving, accepting, forgiving, honest) and that is why I am a Christian.. You can be all those things with out being Christian too I just choose to follow Jesus.

Choose to choose whatever you wanna choose.. Please just don't hate.. It ain't groovy.

I just don't feel right..

I just don't feel right.. Something I said a lot as a kid.. I wonder why??

Hi there, I suppose it's time... The time is telling me It's 11:51, that's the time, but what time is also telling me is, it's time to talk.. Talk about time? you ask. No.. Talk about what it's time to talk about..

Anxiety.. I hate even saying it! It's had so much power over my life and still does.. This is also a big subject and there is no way I can cover it in a blog entry unless I turn this into a book. Which I won't.. Maybe one day.

Most people deal with day to day anxiety on a normal level, it can cause you to avoid things, make your day more difficult and can sometimes cause feelings of being sick, stomach upset or headaches. Usually anxiety is based on lies in our heads generally from "what if?" thinking, "What if my boss hates my report?" "What if the work they did on my car is more than I can afford?" "What if I'm late for my interview and screw it all up?" What if, what if, what if??
Mark Twain is reputed to have said ” I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened” We worry about things to try to save ourselves from pain when we are just causing ourselves pain. Pain about something that will most likely never happen.

It's normal it's normal it's normal! I like repeating words. Worry and anxiety is a normal thing and a lot of it has come from our ancestors and having to survive. What doesn't "feel" normal (I say feel normal because it still isn't really abnormal) is having a panic disorder. The internet defines it as;
A disorder characterized by sudden attacks of fear and panic. The episodes may resemble a heart attack. They may strike at any time and occur without a known reason but more frequently are triggered by specific events or thoughts, such as taking an elevator or driving. The attacks may be so terrifying that some people associate their attacks with the place they occurred and will refuse to go there again.

It's a horrible thing "In any year, 2.4 million Americans have panic disorder." so here's my personal experience in a nutshell

I can remember as young as 8 years old having my thoughts being obsessive on worrisome things. "What if something happened to my family?", was where it really started. It evolved from there and I would worry about the simplest things like swallowing. I remember being in the back of the car on a long trip obsessing on swallowing and counting how many times I was doing it. I then started swallowing more and it started to freak me out.

I had my first panic attack probably around the age of 10 and I was at Crystal Palace. It's basically a small indoor amusement park. Everyone was on rides or doing something and I was by myself. I just started to freak out and cry. My Dad took me to the pet shop to calm me down, I loved animals. At the time I was really focused on breathing and feeling like I couldn't breath and the distraction helped a ton and still does to this day (a tip for those dealing with anxiety).

School was a whole new problem. I started to be very anxious in class and felt claustrophobic. What if I was sick to my stomach? What if I couldn't breath? What if what if what if?????

I wasn't diagnosed with an anxiety disorder until I was about 18 years old. Until then I dealt unknowingly with the constant symptoms of the invisible enemy. I would avoid going to restaurants, started missing tons of school. I would hear about illnesses and then think I had them. Meningitis was a big one. It was scary. I started to think I was crazy..

After finally being diagnosed I was put on some medication, Zoloft it was called. I was scared to take it also since, I do as you recall, have an anxiety disorder. I did eventually take it and after a month or so felt so much better (May have been placebo effect). This was all leading ultimately to a huge and devastating breakdown in 2009 I think.

I HAD A MAJOR, HUGE, MONDO, BOOM, POO anxiety attack!!!! It literally went on for two weeks. I couldn't talk to anyone, answer my phone. If the doorbell rang I would have a panic attack! It was HELL!! I slowly started to do things again but I have since suffered from a PANIC DISORDER. Constant fear of a panic attack no matter where I go.. It's made it hard for me to travel if not impossible. I avoid many things I love.

Now I started this blog because I am changing many things in my life. My drinking, my relationship with God, with friends, the way I treat others. I feel like I'm doing an extreme home makeover but it's an extreme Joel Make over. It's hard, I feel half the time like I am making no progress but I am trying. Here is what I learned from anxiety so far. And I am doing much better with the anxiety too.

I have learned that we give the anxiety power when we treat it like an enemy. As I said at the beginning of this post I hate even saying it but guess what.. It has no real power over me or you, if you are dealing with it.. So I'm going to say it.... anxiety anxiety anxiety anxiety!! I was watching a video on youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5bpe6fXuPk where Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche was talking about using panic attacks for meditation.. Check the video out because he has such a good point. Fearing the anxiety feeds the anxiety. We need to say, "BRING IT ON!!" The panic will not hurt us. It's just scary.. Really something as simple as "I am not afraid!", has so much power over it!

You can literally, okay maybe figuratively, kick it's ass by not trying to kick it's ass.. Don't fight it!! Love it! Be it's best friend! That truly is the answer. I still feel anxiety a lot but I am doing better so that says something. You can go to a very bad place with the anxiety and still come out of it and have a good life, be happy! It can be beat! With God's help, support from friends and a basic understanding of what you are feeling you are already half way there to beating it, or loving it. Here's some things the bible says..

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6,7)

Mathew 6:25 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?

God understands anxiety as do I and millions of other people. Panic attacks can be very difficult! We can learn to overcome and be better for it! I thank God for my panic disorder because it helps me help others and makes me appreciate the little things.

I have just scratched the surface of what this has been like in my life but I pray that anyone out there dealing with anxiety or depression or really anything else that makes you not feel right will realize they are normal and okay and it will get better!! HUGS from me..

SMILE!!! LAUGH!!!

To finish that which needs to be finished

How important is it to finish what we start? Why? you might gleefully ask as you trot down the sidewalk. Well my lovely friend because that is exactly what our faithful God has said he will do in us.

Philippians 1:6 says
And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

Around us we see people struggling to become what they feel inside they are meant to be.. I believe that is God pulling at them, working to finish what he started soooo....

In my life I have always been kinda not so great at finishing things I start. I used to start paintings, scripts, poetry and lots of other stuff and then would get distracted by something new and move onto that only to not finish that thing either. So let's talk about Boxface..

Boxface is a film I won an award for almost two years ago now. The film follows a young man struggling with anxiety and depression (cough cough, ME). I show his social separation through him having a card board box for his head. I know it sounds kinda crazy but I started shooting in not last March but the March before and it was looking really good. This film more than any other I am excited about but also really nervous about because it does have so much potential and also because it really is telling my story. I now need to complete it! There are a few scenes left to shoot and some more editing and music to be done and I am trying to get it done with in the next short while so I can submit it to Silver Wave Film Festival, the local film fest here.

I think sometimes not finishing something is a way to avoid failure. You can say to yourself, "Well if I had finished it, it would have been a masterpiece!" "It just never worked out." Fear is a big driving force in all our lives. We try to use control to overcome fear. I have always said I wouldn't be scared of flying if I was the one flying the plane.

At these times I like to look up. especially at night. When I do, I tend to see stars (on a clear night) Stars aren't just specks of light dude. They are suns, some many times larger than our own sun. There are trillions of them stretched across the universe. We are on a little tiny (yet beautiful) dot not even slightly visible from the next nearest star. Will it really matter if we complete something and it isn't quite as good as it could have been? There really is no such thing as failure.

With all that said I don't believe we are just ants on the proverbial ant hill. I believe we are amazingly precious and special. God still has a plan. He has a plan even for our projects that don't turn out the way we want them. It's like a puzzle piece that you look at and say, all that is is a white blob with a spec of black.. As a piece by itself it is nothing but when the puzzle is finished you see that it was the kitties nose.. What is a kitty with out the nose? A less cute kitty that's what!!!!!

I realize I get a bit off track but I did tell you I was diagnosed with ADHD..

Our failures will never lead to true failure but future successes. What leads to failure is being scared of failure. Does that make any sense?

So do things! Create, complete, and don't fear. God has a plan and your "failures" are part of it. He will complete what he started and if we try to do the same we will be aligning ourselves with God's heart for our lives..

The white blob is a kitties nose..

Just a quick post after watching the news.

We have all heard about the massacres in Norway. It's a horrible thing! It seems not a month can go by with out something happening in the world that is completely unfair, something that causes so much suffering. As Christians we need to pray pray and pray some more about these things. But how can we help a problem so big or other problems so far away from us. Should we just pray for things and people in our own area?

It brings to mind a scene from Star Wars. The scene where Yoda is teaching Luke about the force. He tells Luke to lift his ship out of a swamp using the force. Luke tries but declares he will never be able to get the ship out, seeing that it is too big for him to extract from the water. Yoda then teaches him that you just have to believe. Now check out this bible verse.

Mathew 21:18-22

Early in the morning, as he was on his way back to the city, he was hungry. Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, "May you never bear fruit again!" Immediately the tree withered.

When the disciples saw this, they were amazed. "How did the fig tree wither so quickly?" they asked.

Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."

A mountain!! Jesus is saying if you have faith and do not doubt that anything is possible! Nothing is too big! Nothing! So we need to pray that the world be changed! We can pray for the WHOLE WORLD! for ALL PEOPLE! Anything is possible with God if we have faith and do not doubt.. I know it's easier said than done but wow.. That should give us some hope even in the face of suffering and horrible world tragedies.

Sleep, the constant, or in my case the non constant (Joel the vampire)

We all need sleep and I am no exception. What I am and have always been an exception to is the normal sleep pattern. What is normal? well according to dictionary.com it is;
conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.
The usual sleep pattern could be described as going to bed by oh lets say 11pm and waking up around 7 or 8am. In adults roughly 7 to 9 hours a night.

Okay so where do I differ?

Well for as long as I remember I've had trouble falling asleep. My mind was always the most active at night. Shutting it down was a very lengthy and sometimes unsuccessful process. Then with my hatred of school emerging and my anxiety and depression on the rise I started going to bed later and later and sleeping later and later in the day until I was literally on an opposite sleep pattern from most healthy adults. Sometimes not falling asleep until 7 or 8am and waking up sometimes as late as supper time or on some occasions later. I was always more creative at night as well so it just fed into this pattern.

I don't think normal is always the way to go and I personally love people who aren't "normal" but here's how it messed me up.

Sleeping all day does not help with social activities, professional activities, recreational activities, my love life, imagine trying to date a guy who can only see you after supper or expecting a girl to want that kind of relationship.. I was a freaken vampire okay?? I actually started having trouble being out in the sun as well because my eyes were so unused to how bright it was. Overall it was feeding my depression and anxiety and making all parts of my life more difficult and some non existent.

As the call from God started to become more clear in my life I was realizing that I was going to need to change this bad habit not only to have a "normal" life but also because it had become a coping mechanism for my anxiety and depression. If I felt really bad I would sleep even longer and more off a normal pattern. It's good to have coping mechanisms sometimes but you don't want something to become a crutch so much that you don't work at healing.

I guess we all have our crutches. For me alcohol was also one, I will talk more about that in a different post. We really need to make sure we don't rely on crutches and forget that they don't really help us heal. Truly Healing means facing our problems and that's what I have realized. The only true help we can get is from God. With that said I slept all day today.. So you see it is still a struggle in my life but it's a struggle I will face head on with God on my side and I know I will overcome it!! We have to state God's truth against our crutches and believe we can face the true issues in our lives to have full and complete healing.

What does change take?

Okay so let me start by trying to explain my blog title because I'm sure it sounds a bit offish. Well not the name part. My name is Joel so that makes sense buuuuttttt what, you might ask, do I mean with the square peg round thingy thing.. Okay hold your horses fella I'm getting to that.

Do you remember the kids toy where you had four different shapes of different colors that would fit into corresponding holes. As I recall it was a star, a square, a circle and a triangle. (You probably see where I'm going here) If you didn't fit the shape with it's proper hole you couldn't push it through, it wouldn't go anywhere. For kids, myself especially it seemed, this was frustrating, sad and down right annoying. Eventually if you couldn't get it right the adults would give you special help and you would learn that they are all different shapes and each had only one place it could fit. I caught on eventually and it seemed simple enough, no hidden meaning or message at the time. But as I began to age and develop more as a person (this would include the beginnings of a very bad anxiety disorder and being diagnosed with ADHD) I started to see this simple game reflecting a scary truth in my life and life in general. I was one shape, oh let's say a circle, and it felt like I was being forced into a square hole. With school, church, friends, family and even sleep, I just wasn't fitting. Something in my life wasn't aligning properly and it was causing me stress, fear and confusion.

Let me also say I'm a PK, for those of you who don't know what that means it's a Pastor's kid. So I grew up with God all around me, I had to go to church every Sunday (not easy with ADHD and Anxiety). I felt like I was close to God in some ways and that I knew how important He was but again I wasn't lining up my shape and it just wouldn't fit with the way church was at the time or how I saw God (I should have been listening to Him more). I felt the adults, authorities and establishments in my life were saying, "that's too bad Joel, there is only one place a circle like you fits." So I would try and try and try... and try some more to make myself fit but it just made me feel more alone and scared which then led to, drum roll please, you guessed it, rebellion.

There is so much back story to this/me that have lead me to where I am (Hospital visits, nervous break downs, leaving school, alcohol addiction, lies, Denial, bar fights) And sadly more.. I want to get to all that eventually I promise, but for now I'll leave it out and just say the reason I want to do a blog and vent is simply that something has shifted in the last few months, something big in my life is changing. I feel like I have finally started to see the truth, God's truth. I want to share the journey with others to maybe help them and as therapy for me. I want to post videos, poetry, painting and writings.. Or anything I come up with really..

I guess I could say I finally lined my shape up with it's proper hole but I realized something else... There was only one place I fit and it wasn't a spot created by society or in my own mind, where I fit was into God's plan, one He had for me from the beginning. He knew I wasn't a circle, a square, a triangle or a star. He knew I was Joel created by Him for His purpose. It's a simple analogy I know but it helps me. So there are no shapes for us to force ourselves into. There is only God's truth for our lives and that is between us and God. Not us and church or us and school or us and our families.

This, I guess, is how I will start my blog. Although now that I've started I realize all the things I'm leaving out and I want to write about way more. Which I will do most likely tomorrow since it is 8:30am and I haven't slept yet... uh oh spaghetti squares!!!

I'll end on something I came up with when thinking about why change sometimes seems to happen all of the sudden or sometimes only half happens and why it can happen to you too at any time no matter what your circumstance is.. So here is what I realized for me.

For a person to change they need only for their heart to acknowledge God's truth and then to make the decision to fight for that truth in their life no matter the cost.

Fight for truth baby!

PS I suck at grammer grammur grammuer grammar and spelingf