I just don't feel right..

I just don't feel right.. Something I said a lot as a kid.. I wonder why??

Hi there, I suppose it's time... The time is telling me It's 11:51, that's the time, but what time is also telling me is, it's time to talk.. Talk about time? you ask. No.. Talk about what it's time to talk about..

Anxiety.. I hate even saying it! It's had so much power over my life and still does.. This is also a big subject and there is no way I can cover it in a blog entry unless I turn this into a book. Which I won't.. Maybe one day.

Most people deal with day to day anxiety on a normal level, it can cause you to avoid things, make your day more difficult and can sometimes cause feelings of being sick, stomach upset or headaches. Usually anxiety is based on lies in our heads generally from "what if?" thinking, "What if my boss hates my report?" "What if the work they did on my car is more than I can afford?" "What if I'm late for my interview and screw it all up?" What if, what if, what if??
Mark Twain is reputed to have said ” I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened” We worry about things to try to save ourselves from pain when we are just causing ourselves pain. Pain about something that will most likely never happen.

It's normal it's normal it's normal! I like repeating words. Worry and anxiety is a normal thing and a lot of it has come from our ancestors and having to survive. What doesn't "feel" normal (I say feel normal because it still isn't really abnormal) is having a panic disorder. The internet defines it as;
A disorder characterized by sudden attacks of fear and panic. The episodes may resemble a heart attack. They may strike at any time and occur without a known reason but more frequently are triggered by specific events or thoughts, such as taking an elevator or driving. The attacks may be so terrifying that some people associate their attacks with the place they occurred and will refuse to go there again.

It's a horrible thing "In any year, 2.4 million Americans have panic disorder." so here's my personal experience in a nutshell

I can remember as young as 8 years old having my thoughts being obsessive on worrisome things. "What if something happened to my family?", was where it really started. It evolved from there and I would worry about the simplest things like swallowing. I remember being in the back of the car on a long trip obsessing on swallowing and counting how many times I was doing it. I then started swallowing more and it started to freak me out.

I had my first panic attack probably around the age of 10 and I was at Crystal Palace. It's basically a small indoor amusement park. Everyone was on rides or doing something and I was by myself. I just started to freak out and cry. My Dad took me to the pet shop to calm me down, I loved animals. At the time I was really focused on breathing and feeling like I couldn't breath and the distraction helped a ton and still does to this day (a tip for those dealing with anxiety).

School was a whole new problem. I started to be very anxious in class and felt claustrophobic. What if I was sick to my stomach? What if I couldn't breath? What if what if what if?????

I wasn't diagnosed with an anxiety disorder until I was about 18 years old. Until then I dealt unknowingly with the constant symptoms of the invisible enemy. I would avoid going to restaurants, started missing tons of school. I would hear about illnesses and then think I had them. Meningitis was a big one. It was scary. I started to think I was crazy..

After finally being diagnosed I was put on some medication, Zoloft it was called. I was scared to take it also since, I do as you recall, have an anxiety disorder. I did eventually take it and after a month or so felt so much better (May have been placebo effect). This was all leading ultimately to a huge and devastating breakdown in 2009 I think.

I HAD A MAJOR, HUGE, MONDO, BOOM, POO anxiety attack!!!! It literally went on for two weeks. I couldn't talk to anyone, answer my phone. If the doorbell rang I would have a panic attack! It was HELL!! I slowly started to do things again but I have since suffered from a PANIC DISORDER. Constant fear of a panic attack no matter where I go.. It's made it hard for me to travel if not impossible. I avoid many things I love.

Now I started this blog because I am changing many things in my life. My drinking, my relationship with God, with friends, the way I treat others. I feel like I'm doing an extreme home makeover but it's an extreme Joel Make over. It's hard, I feel half the time like I am making no progress but I am trying. Here is what I learned from anxiety so far. And I am doing much better with the anxiety too.

I have learned that we give the anxiety power when we treat it like an enemy. As I said at the beginning of this post I hate even saying it but guess what.. It has no real power over me or you, if you are dealing with it.. So I'm going to say it.... anxiety anxiety anxiety anxiety!! I was watching a video on youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5bpe6fXuPk where Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche was talking about using panic attacks for meditation.. Check the video out because he has such a good point. Fearing the anxiety feeds the anxiety. We need to say, "BRING IT ON!!" The panic will not hurt us. It's just scary.. Really something as simple as "I am not afraid!", has so much power over it!

You can literally, okay maybe figuratively, kick it's ass by not trying to kick it's ass.. Don't fight it!! Love it! Be it's best friend! That truly is the answer. I still feel anxiety a lot but I am doing better so that says something. You can go to a very bad place with the anxiety and still come out of it and have a good life, be happy! It can be beat! With God's help, support from friends and a basic understanding of what you are feeling you are already half way there to beating it, or loving it. Here's some things the bible says..

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6,7)

Mathew 6:25 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?

God understands anxiety as do I and millions of other people. Panic attacks can be very difficult! We can learn to overcome and be better for it! I thank God for my panic disorder because it helps me help others and makes me appreciate the little things.

I have just scratched the surface of what this has been like in my life but I pray that anyone out there dealing with anxiety or depression or really anything else that makes you not feel right will realize they are normal and okay and it will get better!! HUGS from me..

SMILE!!! LAUGH!!!