What does change take?

Okay so let me start by trying to explain my blog title because I'm sure it sounds a bit offish. Well not the name part. My name is Joel so that makes sense buuuuttttt what, you might ask, do I mean with the square peg round thingy thing.. Okay hold your horses fella I'm getting to that.

Do you remember the kids toy where you had four different shapes of different colors that would fit into corresponding holes. As I recall it was a star, a square, a circle and a triangle. (You probably see where I'm going here) If you didn't fit the shape with it's proper hole you couldn't push it through, it wouldn't go anywhere. For kids, myself especially it seemed, this was frustrating, sad and down right annoying. Eventually if you couldn't get it right the adults would give you special help and you would learn that they are all different shapes and each had only one place it could fit. I caught on eventually and it seemed simple enough, no hidden meaning or message at the time. But as I began to age and develop more as a person (this would include the beginnings of a very bad anxiety disorder and being diagnosed with ADHD) I started to see this simple game reflecting a scary truth in my life and life in general. I was one shape, oh let's say a circle, and it felt like I was being forced into a square hole. With school, church, friends, family and even sleep, I just wasn't fitting. Something in my life wasn't aligning properly and it was causing me stress, fear and confusion.

Let me also say I'm a PK, for those of you who don't know what that means it's a Pastor's kid. So I grew up with God all around me, I had to go to church every Sunday (not easy with ADHD and Anxiety). I felt like I was close to God in some ways and that I knew how important He was but again I wasn't lining up my shape and it just wouldn't fit with the way church was at the time or how I saw God (I should have been listening to Him more). I felt the adults, authorities and establishments in my life were saying, "that's too bad Joel, there is only one place a circle like you fits." So I would try and try and try... and try some more to make myself fit but it just made me feel more alone and scared which then led to, drum roll please, you guessed it, rebellion.

There is so much back story to this/me that have lead me to where I am (Hospital visits, nervous break downs, leaving school, alcohol addiction, lies, Denial, bar fights) And sadly more.. I want to get to all that eventually I promise, but for now I'll leave it out and just say the reason I want to do a blog and vent is simply that something has shifted in the last few months, something big in my life is changing. I feel like I have finally started to see the truth, God's truth. I want to share the journey with others to maybe help them and as therapy for me. I want to post videos, poetry, painting and writings.. Or anything I come up with really..

I guess I could say I finally lined my shape up with it's proper hole but I realized something else... There was only one place I fit and it wasn't a spot created by society or in my own mind, where I fit was into God's plan, one He had for me from the beginning. He knew I wasn't a circle, a square, a triangle or a star. He knew I was Joel created by Him for His purpose. It's a simple analogy I know but it helps me. So there are no shapes for us to force ourselves into. There is only God's truth for our lives and that is between us and God. Not us and church or us and school or us and our families.

This, I guess, is how I will start my blog. Although now that I've started I realize all the things I'm leaving out and I want to write about way more. Which I will do most likely tomorrow since it is 8:30am and I haven't slept yet... uh oh spaghetti squares!!!

I'll end on something I came up with when thinking about why change sometimes seems to happen all of the sudden or sometimes only half happens and why it can happen to you too at any time no matter what your circumstance is.. So here is what I realized for me.

For a person to change they need only for their heart to acknowledge God's truth and then to make the decision to fight for that truth in their life no matter the cost.

Fight for truth baby!

PS I suck at grammer grammur grammuer grammar and spelingf