Brain dance

Just wrote a little tiddly poem and thought I would share. Sometimes we complicate things and that is quite a simple fact.

It's simple to be simple

just think of simple thoughts

jumping frogs, hollow logs

and playing drums on pots

But beware of the thinking

and sinking down a lot

when thinking about thinking

the mind can still get caught

in complicated twists and turns

like knots and rolling rocks

for example....

the number nine or yesterday

the way the world turns and sways

why people smile and then they frown

why what goes up must come down

the stars and how they shine so bright

what gives us taste?

what gives us sight?

when I die what will I wear?

what if i am attacked by a.... wolf?

....................

it's simple to be simple

of that I am quite sure

Just beware of thinking

and not thinking some more

Pass the hurt?

Happy Friday to y'all. Hope none of you get hit by a satellite falling out of the sky today! If you don't know what I'm talking about, NASA has warned the world that one of their satellites will be falling back to earth shortly.. But don't worry your odds of getting hit by it are the same as hitting a hole in one.. If you're a bad golfer you're safe!

So what is this blog about? Satellites falling? Actually no that was just a random thought. I'm actually writing about hurt.. How many of us are guilty of passing the hurt? I know I am.. What is passing the hurt? You might ask with a knowing grin on your beautiful face. Well it's a little game we as humans like to play.

Has anyone ever hurt you? Said something mean? Done something to you they shouldn't have? Made you feel like the world wasn't such an amazing place? Maybe even made you feel like the world was a down right awful place? Yes I think it's safe to say we have all been hurt.
So what is our reaction to being hurt?
Well It would seem our instinctual reaction is we put up walls. Go into defense mode. We don't want to be hurt because it doesn't feel good so we look for ways to protect ourselves. They say sometimes the best defense is a good offense so some people begin to hurt others in an attempt to not be hurt themselves. No one is going to go near a snake that constantly bites. The snake might be lonely but chances are no one will ever get close enough to hurt him. Good strategy?

Someone says you're stupid and you say.. No I'm not you are!! Think about it..

So we pass the hurt. We pass it to children, friends, family or anyone in our way. They in turn pass the hurt to someone new. Not because we want to hurt others. No, I don't think anyone wants another person to hurt. In our simple little human minds we think we are protecting ourselves.

HURT CAN BE RESOLVED! But sadly It rarely is. We live in a world of hurt people. They in turn become lost because they live in a cycle of hurting others and then guess what? The defenses fail and the person still gets hurt. To resolve the hurt we must begin by looking at why fighting fire with fire doesn't work.. MORE FIRE!!

It may seem like it's human nature to hold grudges, to build walls and to pass the hurt but I think sometimes saying something is human nature is just an excuse. An excuse to take the easy road. We define our nature by our actions. Break the cycle of hurt! It begins with forgiveness.

Corrie Ten Boom, a Christian woman who survived a Nazi concentration camp during the Holocaust, said, "Forgiveness is to set a prisoner free, and to realize the prisoner was you."

hmmmmm..... Really think about that... The prisoner was you? Could it be that our "Human nature" is actually hurting us more? Holding us captive? ABSOLUTELY! This is one of the truths that when you realize it, it really sets you free..

So look at your past. The things that have hurt you.. Start letting those things go and see how it feels, forgive the people who you feel have hurt you. It's scary at first because you think you are making yourself vulnerable but guess what, it doesn't make you any more vulnerable at all! Start fighting fire with water. If someone hurts you, love them in return.

Jesus said,

“But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also” Matthew 5:39

Jesus in his infinite wisdom was commanding us to do something we don't completely understand. It seems he is telling us to let people hurt us. Simply looked at it may appear that way but we also have to rememeber Jesus had knowledge of the big picture. Maybe it was more about love. Saying to the person, "I know you don't want to hurt me, I will not retaliate, I love you." Eventually love causes people to drop their defenses because their fear of being hurt starts to disappear.

Passing the hurt will never get us anywhere but it may, in the beginning, feel like we are protecting ourselves. The only true way to stop the world from hurting is to love and forgive each other. Try it, it will surprise you.

Start passing the love. It may take time to break down defenses but eventually they will fall and you will see the world through different eyes.

A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle

Hitting the snooze button

bzzzzzzzzzzzzz... bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz - that's the sound of an alarm clock (Metaphor for a calling on someones life) to wake up and answer that calling. And I say,
"Okay Okay!! I know I know I need to wake up buuuutt I'll just hit the snooze button once.."

bzzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzzzzzzz...
"Oh right I was supposed to wake up.. Oh well hitting the snooze button one more time won't hurt..."

BZZZZZZZZ BZZZZZZZZZ
"Okay okay this time I'll get up!"

How many freaken wake up calls does a person need before they actually truly wake up??
The answer for me seems to always be just one more. I realize I need to wake up and then I do but then quickly decide that just hitting the snooze button one more time couldn't hurt. I'm talking in metaphors here. I'm referring to waking up to your life, to the things you may be doing that cause you pain. To the things you may not be doing that would cause you joy. Waking up and living the life calling to you. Beckoning you to become fulfilled and empowered.

Not waking up seems kind of insane.

My good buddy Albert Einstein defines Insanity thusly: "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Let's think about the things we as humans do over and over again.

We look for happiness in money or power so some people work endlessly expecting that the emptiness that they feel when it comes to work or life will be filled by the money they make. Inevitably power in work and money from slaving endless hours will just be a fix. You will get hungry again and you'll start eating anything you can find.. It just leads you into a cycle.

How about someone addicted to a drug or alcohol or any crutch really? Sometimes the need is to dull an emotion, forget or ignore things or just feel momentarily better.. Then, you crash and feel like garbage but that's okay because you can just start the whole thing again right? insane cycle?

Maybe you look to other people to fix things, using someone physically or emotionally to make you feel fulfilled? Needed? Important? But then people let you down, you feel crappy again but that is also okay because there are lot's of new people to turn to. Insane cycle not getting anywhere really. spinning the tires.

Going around in circles looking for happiness, fulfillment, purpose. Reminds me of something...

A hamster running in a wheel not getting anywhere but continually running because maybe just maybe it feels like he is getting somewhere when he really truly undoubtedly is not going to get anywhere..

How many of us do that? I have been doing it so much lately it's not funny.. Okay well maybe a little funny hahah. Actually someone I heard speak lately, Steve Backlund, said it's good sometimes to say "let's just laugh about that." and actually just laugh about it in order to be able to not let little things bother us. Look him up on youtube, he's a great guy.

Maybe you are perfect and are always on the right path not using any crutches and taking complete responsibility for you and looking only to truth to make you happy. If that's you then congrats and can you teach me? That's not me though and Let me talk to you about my recent wake up calls.

Wake up call #1. Drinking is something I have been trying to take control over for a while. I've been in denial and I've known it wasn't good for me but I just kept running in that wheel. So one night I'm out on the town with some friends. I have way to much to drink, like I did almost every single time I drank, and don't remember much. Oh, what I do remember is a bit of an ambulance ride and then being at the hospital. Turns out someone had assaulted me. One of my eyes wouldn't open and when I forced it to I had double vision. I don't want to make this a long drawn out story so lets just say I ended up with three broken bones in my face. I now have a hole from my sinuses to my right eye socket. When I blow my nose my eye moves.. eek..

This happened and I said.. No more running in the alcohol wheel. It's hurting me in many ways.
but guess what?? again I hit the snooze button. Even after a broken face. WAKE UP JOEL!

Wake up call # 2.
So here I am writing yet another blog from my bed (Although today was a much better day) what am I on about? I have pneumonia. So another thing I have never been very good at is taking care of myself.. I think many of us suffer from that and we have this idea that we are invincible. Others might get sick but we never will. I GOT SICK!! running in that wheel of not taking care of myself.

Those are just the two latest wake up calls.. There have been many...

Making the same choices and expecting a different outcome.. Oh Albert my boy you truly were a genius!

So here I am.. The alarm has gone off yet again and I have not hit the snooze button yet. I pray that I have the strength not to hit it at all..

So how do we get off our hamster wheels? Just that, get out of the wheel. We all have wheels and I'm sure if we think hard enough we know what they are. I am going to quote Steve Backlund again here..

"Everything in our lives that doesn't glisten with hope is based on a lie." Think about that!

When we run in a wheel and we feel hopeless it's because we aren't basing things in our lives on the truth. We are in denial. It's scary to face yourself and to face your wheels. Chances are even though they eventually make you feel bad at the time they are in some ways comforting. Things like money, power, clothes, cars, lots of "friends", getting drunk/high/shutting off your brain in some way. These fixes all put you right back in the wheel. What gets you out of the wheel?

TRUTH, LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, SIMPLICITY, PROPER REST/DIET, TRUE FRIENDS, FAMILY, PEACE.... So much much much more. If it gives you hope then it probably isn't putting you in a wheel. Not hope that if only you could change who you are or your circumstances but real hope for who you are RIGHT NOW.. Negative thinking needs to stop and positive thinking needs to take over.

Everyone needs a wake up call and depending on how insane you are you may need quite a few wake up calls but you know you have wheels in your life that you are running in, well let this be your wake up call!! Stop running in the wheel! Start focusing on truth. The true things that can and will make you happy.

If you are like me you get discouraged easy. If you aren't like me you then keep doing what you're doing. But don't let discouragement put you back in the wheel either.. That would be a lie.

Pursue your dreams! Breath the air! Give someone a hug! Be the shiny you that God created.

Smile! but please don't wait for the next alarm. You never know when there won't be a next..

WAKE UP!!

Our greatest resource, the key to heaven?

The date this was finished was actually Sept. 16th

Try to look at this child and not smile!

So I started writing this blog like a month ago and put it off for a while. Not really sure why. Now I'm sick with pneumonia and I've been laying in bed for almost a week now watching tv and inevitably thinking a lot. But I'm going to attempt right now to finish it. So hold onto your horses peeps cause I am slightly feverish.

Okay.... sooooo.. This is a BIG one. I want to try to tackle this well but it's going to be tough because I think it's a HUGE thing. it's also really important to me. I'm going to give it a shot though because it's been on my mind for a while and it's something that is really important to me.

One of the things we struggle with as people when it comes to happiness, or the lack of it, is ourselves. Makes things difficult because well, the one thing you will always have the rest of your life is you. When you were a kid do you remember that? Do you remember the weight on your shoulders being that heavy? What do you mean you didn't think about it?

Can you remember when life started to get a bit harder? When you started to grow up and think the world wasn't such an amazing place. That people suffer, hate, lie. What changed from being a child? Children can still suffer and lie so does getting old just go hand in hand with more suffering? What do kids have that we don't?

Maybe trust? acceptance? Innocence?

What the heck am I getting at with this?????

CHILDREN.. Our greatest resource and the key to heaven is CHILDREN and this can be seen metaphorically, literally or palatorically (I made that word up)! This whole blog and it's focus is to try to explain what I know to be true but also explore what Jesus said about children. Key word being Try.. Might have to read between the lines on this one cause my heads pretty loopy.

I can not stress enough how amazing children are and let me tell you Jesus constantly stressed the importance of children. I'm going to quote a few bible verses where Jesus talked about children but I'm sure there are more. I could also talk about so many experiences in my own life where kids have helped me and things I've learned.

Mark 10:13-16
People were bringing little children to Jesus to have Him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." And He took the children in His arms, put His hands on them and blessed them.

So Jesus was Indignant. He was really upset that the disciples were hindering the children. Then he went on to say that if we can't be like kids we won't receive the kingdom of heaven. We need to be like them. What does that mean? Maybe that we too need to trust? Have faith? Acceptance? Innocence? Enjoy life for what it is.. Could kids in their simplicity understand something that we as adults and our more mature minds can not grasp?

No way! All concepts are easier understood as we become more "Intelligent". lol I'm talking to myself now! uh ohhhh...

I used to pray a lot that I would gain more knowledge and wisdom. As I aged I guess I figured I should know more and more so I could understand everything and have nothing to fear, I didn't like fear. Strangely the more I have done that the more I have feared. Something wasn't working. It's like chasing a fix. No matter how much you know and learn, you only end up opening a new door to confusion, a new can of worms. I believe it's an endless cycle. How do you break that?

Have you ever looked at a kid running around playing, laughing, not a care in the world and thought, "That child needs to know more." Of course not! But maybe you wished you could be like that? I think we can. I truly truly do. And I believe we are supposed to be.

Just so people know I quickly want to say I don't think knowledge is bad although I suppose it seems like I do lol. What I am saying about knowledge is if we make it our goal to know in an attempt to enjoy or we will run the risk of loosing sight of the simple basic truths. Butterflies are pretty, marshmallows are fun to eat, clowns are scary (little personal one there lol).

I have now started to pray that I need to know less and learn to trust more. Not that I know less.. That I need to know less..I want to loose the NEED to know everything in order to not fear. That I don't feel I need to know everything. That I can trust.. Look at the beauty all around me and frolic in a field of daisies. Return to innocence (Awesome song from the 90s).

I realize adults can't be kids. There is responsibility and knowledge that we need to gain as we grow but... Strive to be like a child.. It could be good. It could be GREAT.. Laugh for no reason. Eat something that you probably shouldn't lol.. Fever talking maybe?

I think as adults we begin to kind of poison ourselves and our conscience. Entertainment, money, power, we take in garbage. We think we need it. We can easily get lost. Probably why being like kids is also the key to heaven.

I guess..

We just need to loose the idea that as we age we need to be less trusting and less child like. not trusting hurts us.. Even though we feel like we will get hurt by trusting. Truth is we could get hurt either way. Protect yourself with in reason but.. Don't live in a brick wall a child would never understand. Gauge your wall based on that maybe? Let go a little too.

Speaking of hurt. Don't get me started on how wrong it is to hurt a child. Jesus talked about that too.

Mark 9:42 "And if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone tied around his neck.

Jesus wasn't putting that lightly at all! Children need love and guidance!

Jesus also said treating a child well is treating him well..

Mark 9:35-37
Sitting down, Jesus called the twelve and said, "If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all." He took a little child and had him stand among them. Taking him in His arms, He said to them, "Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me."

I think we need to treat children amazingly. Raise them knowing they are the future, they are God's gift and help teach us his truths. Beware of causing a child to become untrustworthy or sad. Kids eat up encouragement like a hungry shark!! I encourage you to encourage some children you know!

Then after you've done that take some lessons from those children. Think less.. Trust more.. This in turn will cause you to worry less, enjoy more, laugh and dance more!! Start believing in Santa Clause again if you have to! We are all children in God's eyes! :)

I want to leave you with a few quotes I found about children that I think ring true. I realize this has been my most disorganized blog but hey I'm running a fever and it's a really hard topic to tackle. I should probably return to it when my brain isn't boiling and in more detail because I barely scratched the surface.

Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music. ~William Stafford

Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man. ~Rabindranath Tagore

Children are one third of our population and all of our future. ~Select Panel for the Promotion of Child Health, 1981

While we try to teach our children all about life, Our children teach us what life is all about.
~Angela Schwindt

My mind and I

I haven't written for a while and man my head is about to explode! Man oh man oh peter pan!

So I've been doing some fun stuff the last few days/weeks, and things that have been really good for me. I've been trying to stay on track (not drink, sleep well, stay close to God) but let me tell you, it ain't been easy dude! And fail is a word that comes to mind right about now.

I don't have an issue with drinking or people who drink so let me say that first. What I have an issue with is if drinking is destroying someones life or areas in their life. If drinking is a crutch, something you use to not have to face things or just straight up makes you feel like poop then you got to kick that to the curb (I've been trying and doing pretty well). But I fail there too.

Why? y? wigh?

I notice that Joel sometimes doesn't like Joel, that is to say I can't stand myself sometimes. The way I think, the places my mind goes. I get frustrated or down, I want to be the best person I can be. To be kind and loving and accepting to all people and when I fail I get mad at me. When I was drinking I got a break from Joel every once in a while (okay more like 3 or 4 times a week) and to be honest it helped me deal with me, my failings, but in reality that is no way to deal.

Since I have been drinking less my mind and I have been hanging out much much more. I know we will learn to like each other one day, even admire each other but right now or after a bad freaken day I just want a break. That is what I want.

Sometimes what we want is not what we need..

What do I think I need? I need to like who I am, my thoughts, my rights and my wrongs and live with sometimes the bad things, learn from the bad things. I need to learn to live with out escape so that I can truly help others. Truly be me with no me missing.

Failure sucks, or does it? The bible says....

Hebrews 4:14-16
Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

So Jesus was tempted with the same stuff we are tempted with, he get's it man. Think of how much he probably wanted to run away from who he was. What he knew he would eventually have to do. Man he probably wanted to get drunk A LOT! maybe even thought about getting drunk before facing the cross. But he had a mission of love to carry out and he needed to be present for it.
We all have a purpose and I think we should be present for it too. It could be amazing.

We aren't alone in our battle with ourselves, we have God and other people because as humans we really are all on the same team

We all have demons to face and they come in many shapes and forms. It can sometimes seem easier to not face them at all. To run run run.. It's when we stop, turn around and face them that we can once and for all defeat them. I think the demons in our lives love it when we drink to ignore them. They love to be ignored because it means we aren't actually going to do anything about them.. Man they get scared when we stop running! Having friends to talk to about things helps too. Friends understand, people understand. And let me reiterate again how hard this has been for me.. BUT

Should I also just run from the things in life that are difficult?

"Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty... I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led diffcult lives and led them well."
-- Theodore Roosevelt

Why would he have envied people who had difficult lives and lived them well? Why wouldn't he want to have an easy life?

Maybe there is a hidden secret in overcoming difficulty. Maybe it is in those times (when we actually face those things) that we gain true victory in our lives. We find ourselves and we begin to see what we are here for. To love, to inspire, to fight for truth and not take this precious thing we call life for granted.

It's going to be hard! But it's going to be worth it.

Thank you God for my struggles and the ability to face and overcome them so I can truly appreciate what it is to live!

First video!!

Hello there! Here is my first video blog. It's just my sister Leah and I hanging out talking about things and having fun.

Thank God for a new day (Hope in the darkness)

So, so so so so so!!! I had a bit of an off day yesterday, to say the least. It seems that those days sometimes follow amazing days, and this was no exception. Thursday was an amazing day for me. I was creative, inspired, happy. I felt like a million and one bucks.. But then there was Friday.. Oh Friday.. Friday's have always been hard days for me. I think it's because I always feel pressure to do something exceedingly fun, party or something. Now that I am working at quitting drinking Friday's are even harder. So what was so bad about yesterday?

I didn't want to do anything or see anyone. I stayed in my bedroom mostly. I had this feeling of pointlessness that I couldn't shake. I know it's a lie but it still held me down the whole day. I was anxious and incapable of doing anything it seemed and surrounded by darkness.

I guess we all have bad days and that is something we can't really change but it's how we deal and move on that makes us who we are and shows our character.

Alfred to Bruce Wayne: Why do we fall, sir? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.

Leave it up to Alfred to sum it all up.. It's an interesting way to look at it. Why do we have bad days? Why do we screw up? why do we fall? So we can learn to show ourselves and others who we really are. So we can conquer our weaknesses. So we can overcome things. Be strong, smart, ground breaking, world changing. "Learn", being a key word in this. It's so important to stay humble and realize we always have a lot to learn.

I said I was going to post poems I wrote and now seems appropriate for this one. I wrote it quite a while ago but it is also part of the inspiration for my blog title.

If the world is round, than I am a square
If there's one thing I've found, it's that life isn't fair
If a day went by and a smile could remain
If all of my efforts weren't so pointless and in vein
But I can't just hide or close my eyes
with each new day the sun will rise
tomorrow gives a whole new try
and with it is my hope.

As you can see a major theme in this poem is sadness and the hardships of everyday. I was realizing, I guess when writing the poem that there was a lot of negativity I would always have to face. In the beginning wishing that I didn't have to face these things and that I could just keep my smile. It's normal to want to be happy, to dislike suffering but it's important that we don't just hide or run from the hard times because there is still hope. Hope for tomorrow is a big one because in some ways it's a chance or at least a feeling that we can start fresh.

Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist monk said simply,

"Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that TOMORROW will be better, we can bear a hardship today."

It is simple but hard to remember or put into practice. If we look at it metaphorically with hope being light and darkness being hopelessness it can help to illustrate a truth.

Light only needs a tiny pinhole to shine through and illuminate a whole room. Darkness can not exist where light is but the opposite isn't true. You can not turn on a dark, you can only take away the light. Once the light shows up the dark runs, hides, disappears. Hope is a beautiful thing because if we just let it enter our minds a little, it can drive away the hopelessness. Like light it just needs a tiny opening to really change our way of thinking.

I know sometimes when I am feeling bad, sad or unrad I almost seem to run from hope. It's a strange thing but it's almost like I want to feel that way. Like the sadness not only makes us sad but convinces our brains that we need to be sad.

WE DON'T!

So we have a bad day, in that moment we feel like we want to give up. But a bad day is just like a bump in a road when getting to a destination. They ultimately won't stop us from getting there but they might just make us say holy baloney on the way.

In fact!! Romans 8:28 says

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

So not only will it not stop us from getting to our destination, it can also be a good thing, a bad day can be part of a greater purpose. We know hope only needs a little tiny pin point hole to illuminate truth, like realizing things will work together for an overall good. A good that we can't always see when we miss the big picture of God's plan.

A bad day can be good because it helps us relate to others when they have bad days, It can help us appreciate the good days, it can give us time to reflect and maybe realize changes we need to make or places in our lives where we need healing, it can force us to look at the big picture and ask God for help, it shows us the true beauty and truth of HOPE. Just like panic attacks in my "I just don't feel right" blog post, we need to show love to bad days and they will loose a lot of their power.

We can and will overcome bad days, be better for it, have beautiful HOPE and LOVE for everything that happens in our lives and in the end live for great purpose!

Painting instead of fainting

Hi all,

I said I would be posting paintings, videos and poetry. Well I just finished a painting (read my post about finishing what we start). I took time on this one. When I was younger I would paint and my lack of patience meant I would always rush through them and they were never really as good as they could be. I guess that's a lesson through all areas of life. If we rush and don't take the time things need the picture will never be quite as clear. I am still learning but I am pretty happy with this one. It's acrylic which can be really hard to layer because it dries really fast. I do enjoy acrylic though because it has a thicker texture to it, unlike water color, and it washes off easy, unlike oil. I encourage anyone who has something they love to do, whether it be walking, talking, or singing, to do those things! They are LIFE giving and instilled in us for a reason. Our soul will become faint if we don't feed it with what it loves.

Let me know what you think about the painting and also what you love to do.

Hate is hate, so what's the debate?

I'm a Christian.. That means a few things about me..

I hate people who don't agree with me, I believe I am right all the time no matter what the facts say, I'm a hypocrite, I am naive, I love to judge everyone but myself..

Do these sound accurate?

Okay so I completely understand why people think these things. I do.

I don't like religion, never have. Jesus didn't like it either. I feel like it's people's way of controlling things and other people, it creates a chest puffing battle of who is more righteous. I guess that's in our nature, we, in some ways, know not what we do.. But ignorance is no excuse because it is easily remedied by truth. So what is the truth here?

Jesus Christ, who I strive to follow and who is the whole reason for Christianity said a few things.

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another." John 13:34-35

"But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward in heaven will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men." Luke 6:35

"Whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant; and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and to give His life a ransom for many." Mark 10:43-45

"Do not judge so that you will not be judged. "For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? "Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and behold, the log is in your own eye? "You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. Matthew 7:1-5

Early in the morning He came again into the temple, and all the people were coming to Him; and He sat down and began to teach them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman caught in adultery, and having set her in the center of the court, they said to Him, "Teacher, this woman has been caught in adultery, in the very act. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women; what then do You say?" They were saying this, testing Him, so that they might have grounds for accusing Him. But Jesus stooped down and with His finger wrote on the ground. But when they persisted in asking Him, He straightened up, and said to them, "He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. When they heard it, they began to go out one by one, beginning with the older ones, and He was left alone, and the woman, where she was, in the center of the court. Straightening up, Jesus said to her, "Woman, where are they? Did no one condemn you?" She said, "No one, Lord." And Jesus said, "I do not condemn you, either. Go. From now on sin no more." John 8:1-11

One thing is certain from reading these.. Jesus was teaching us to love, not Judge, to be fair and be like servants and not condemn each other. This was Jesus Christ doing and saying these things so as a Christian I can't argue that these aren't at the core of Christianity. So why are these things the opposite of people's ideas of Christians? When I say I am a Christian I feel like I am accountable to Christ and his teachings. I want to try to always love people, I strive not to judge or to hate.. I think that should be a fundamental part of being a Christian, being accountable to his teachings. Unfortunately religion has made Christ's teachings whatever it wants and tends to ignore the most basic principals.

I think I should also state here as a bit of history that I am a pastors kid but I hated church. I questioned God and Jesus at almost every turn as I grew up. I drank all the time, partied, and didn't care or even really think about Jesus or his teachings. I came back to Jesus in my life just recently really and it was on my own with out any influence from anyone after thinking about it for many many years. I am stubborn and think to much.. I just wanted anyone reading this to know some back story.. Okay so on with the yabogaloor!

I love what I am and I love what you are (Because love is love is love is love)

Everyone should be entitled to their own beliefs.. Whatever makes them feel fulfilled. Whatever gives them a reason to wake up in the morning as long as they aren't hurting anyone or forcing others to do anything against their own free will (Which I think is a God given gift). There is a lot of beauty in life. A Muslim can enjoy the same sunset a Buddhist, an Atheist or a Taoist enjoys. The only issue is when they argue over where the sun came from. Why can't we all just enjoy it? Even if I saw the sun formed by a giant monkey in a sailor hat, what harm could it do for me to let someone believe it came from a microwave if that's what works for them. I am still entitled to talk about the giant monkey but I really don't know what yelling at the person who doesn't believe it does.. It just causes tension and distance between two people/groups of people and then leads to hate. It also violates their free will (which again I think is a God given gift).

Focus Joel...

So I am a Christian and I realize so many "Christians" set a bad example, but they are ignoring or twisting what Jesus actually said if they are judging or making people feel bad about what they believe. Jesus would not be happy about that. He was already annoyed at the religious people at the time.. Check out what he said to them..

"Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and of the dish, but inside they are full of robbery and self-indulgence. You blind Pharisee, first clean the inside of the cup and of the dish, so that the outside of it may become clean also. Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which on the outside appear beautiful, but inside they are full of dead men's bones and all uncleanness. So you, too, outwardly appear righteous to men, but inwardly you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness..." Matthew 23:25-28

hmmmmm... Would Jesus say the same thing today to a lot of "Christians"?

I guess it's like this.. If you want to hate someone for being something that you don't agree with then maybe just start a religion called the haters because all hate is the same and at least it could be organized. We shouldn't argue over who to hate, where the hate should go, who's hate is more true.. It's all just hate and if you are hating you aren't helping... Wow that's clever you can quote me on that.

I strive to be what Jesus Christ wanted of me (non judgmental, Loving, accepting, forgiving, honest) and that is why I am a Christian.. You can be all those things with out being Christian too I just choose to follow Jesus.

Choose to choose whatever you wanna choose.. Please just don't hate.. It ain't groovy.

I just don't feel right..

I just don't feel right.. Something I said a lot as a kid.. I wonder why??

Hi there, I suppose it's time... The time is telling me It's 11:51, that's the time, but what time is also telling me is, it's time to talk.. Talk about time? you ask. No.. Talk about what it's time to talk about..

Anxiety.. I hate even saying it! It's had so much power over my life and still does.. This is also a big subject and there is no way I can cover it in a blog entry unless I turn this into a book. Which I won't.. Maybe one day.

Most people deal with day to day anxiety on a normal level, it can cause you to avoid things, make your day more difficult and can sometimes cause feelings of being sick, stomach upset or headaches. Usually anxiety is based on lies in our heads generally from "what if?" thinking, "What if my boss hates my report?" "What if the work they did on my car is more than I can afford?" "What if I'm late for my interview and screw it all up?" What if, what if, what if??
Mark Twain is reputed to have said ” I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened” We worry about things to try to save ourselves from pain when we are just causing ourselves pain. Pain about something that will most likely never happen.

It's normal it's normal it's normal! I like repeating words. Worry and anxiety is a normal thing and a lot of it has come from our ancestors and having to survive. What doesn't "feel" normal (I say feel normal because it still isn't really abnormal) is having a panic disorder. The internet defines it as;
A disorder characterized by sudden attacks of fear and panic. The episodes may resemble a heart attack. They may strike at any time and occur without a known reason but more frequently are triggered by specific events or thoughts, such as taking an elevator or driving. The attacks may be so terrifying that some people associate their attacks with the place they occurred and will refuse to go there again.

It's a horrible thing "In any year, 2.4 million Americans have panic disorder." so here's my personal experience in a nutshell

I can remember as young as 8 years old having my thoughts being obsessive on worrisome things. "What if something happened to my family?", was where it really started. It evolved from there and I would worry about the simplest things like swallowing. I remember being in the back of the car on a long trip obsessing on swallowing and counting how many times I was doing it. I then started swallowing more and it started to freak me out.

I had my first panic attack probably around the age of 10 and I was at Crystal Palace. It's basically a small indoor amusement park. Everyone was on rides or doing something and I was by myself. I just started to freak out and cry. My Dad took me to the pet shop to calm me down, I loved animals. At the time I was really focused on breathing and feeling like I couldn't breath and the distraction helped a ton and still does to this day (a tip for those dealing with anxiety).

School was a whole new problem. I started to be very anxious in class and felt claustrophobic. What if I was sick to my stomach? What if I couldn't breath? What if what if what if?????

I wasn't diagnosed with an anxiety disorder until I was about 18 years old. Until then I dealt unknowingly with the constant symptoms of the invisible enemy. I would avoid going to restaurants, started missing tons of school. I would hear about illnesses and then think I had them. Meningitis was a big one. It was scary. I started to think I was crazy..

After finally being diagnosed I was put on some medication, Zoloft it was called. I was scared to take it also since, I do as you recall, have an anxiety disorder. I did eventually take it and after a month or so felt so much better (May have been placebo effect). This was all leading ultimately to a huge and devastating breakdown in 2009 I think.

I HAD A MAJOR, HUGE, MONDO, BOOM, POO anxiety attack!!!! It literally went on for two weeks. I couldn't talk to anyone, answer my phone. If the doorbell rang I would have a panic attack! It was HELL!! I slowly started to do things again but I have since suffered from a PANIC DISORDER. Constant fear of a panic attack no matter where I go.. It's made it hard for me to travel if not impossible. I avoid many things I love.

Now I started this blog because I am changing many things in my life. My drinking, my relationship with God, with friends, the way I treat others. I feel like I'm doing an extreme home makeover but it's an extreme Joel Make over. It's hard, I feel half the time like I am making no progress but I am trying. Here is what I learned from anxiety so far. And I am doing much better with the anxiety too.

I have learned that we give the anxiety power when we treat it like an enemy. As I said at the beginning of this post I hate even saying it but guess what.. It has no real power over me or you, if you are dealing with it.. So I'm going to say it.... anxiety anxiety anxiety anxiety!! I was watching a video on youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5bpe6fXuPk where Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche was talking about using panic attacks for meditation.. Check the video out because he has such a good point. Fearing the anxiety feeds the anxiety. We need to say, "BRING IT ON!!" The panic will not hurt us. It's just scary.. Really something as simple as "I am not afraid!", has so much power over it!

You can literally, okay maybe figuratively, kick it's ass by not trying to kick it's ass.. Don't fight it!! Love it! Be it's best friend! That truly is the answer. I still feel anxiety a lot but I am doing better so that says something. You can go to a very bad place with the anxiety and still come out of it and have a good life, be happy! It can be beat! With God's help, support from friends and a basic understanding of what you are feeling you are already half way there to beating it, or loving it. Here's some things the bible says..

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6,7)

Mathew 6:25 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?

God understands anxiety as do I and millions of other people. Panic attacks can be very difficult! We can learn to overcome and be better for it! I thank God for my panic disorder because it helps me help others and makes me appreciate the little things.

I have just scratched the surface of what this has been like in my life but I pray that anyone out there dealing with anxiety or depression or really anything else that makes you not feel right will realize they are normal and okay and it will get better!! HUGS from me..

SMILE!!! LAUGH!!!

To finish that which needs to be finished

How important is it to finish what we start? Why? you might gleefully ask as you trot down the sidewalk. Well my lovely friend because that is exactly what our faithful God has said he will do in us.

Philippians 1:6 says
And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

Around us we see people struggling to become what they feel inside they are meant to be.. I believe that is God pulling at them, working to finish what he started soooo....

In my life I have always been kinda not so great at finishing things I start. I used to start paintings, scripts, poetry and lots of other stuff and then would get distracted by something new and move onto that only to not finish that thing either. So let's talk about Boxface..

Boxface is a film I won an award for almost two years ago now. The film follows a young man struggling with anxiety and depression (cough cough, ME). I show his social separation through him having a card board box for his head. I know it sounds kinda crazy but I started shooting in not last March but the March before and it was looking really good. This film more than any other I am excited about but also really nervous about because it does have so much potential and also because it really is telling my story. I now need to complete it! There are a few scenes left to shoot and some more editing and music to be done and I am trying to get it done with in the next short while so I can submit it to Silver Wave Film Festival, the local film fest here.

I think sometimes not finishing something is a way to avoid failure. You can say to yourself, "Well if I had finished it, it would have been a masterpiece!" "It just never worked out." Fear is a big driving force in all our lives. We try to use control to overcome fear. I have always said I wouldn't be scared of flying if I was the one flying the plane.

At these times I like to look up. especially at night. When I do, I tend to see stars (on a clear night) Stars aren't just specks of light dude. They are suns, some many times larger than our own sun. There are trillions of them stretched across the universe. We are on a little tiny (yet beautiful) dot not even slightly visible from the next nearest star. Will it really matter if we complete something and it isn't quite as good as it could have been? There really is no such thing as failure.

With all that said I don't believe we are just ants on the proverbial ant hill. I believe we are amazingly precious and special. God still has a plan. He has a plan even for our projects that don't turn out the way we want them. It's like a puzzle piece that you look at and say, all that is is a white blob with a spec of black.. As a piece by itself it is nothing but when the puzzle is finished you see that it was the kitties nose.. What is a kitty with out the nose? A less cute kitty that's what!!!!!

I realize I get a bit off track but I did tell you I was diagnosed with ADHD..

Our failures will never lead to true failure but future successes. What leads to failure is being scared of failure. Does that make any sense?

So do things! Create, complete, and don't fear. God has a plan and your "failures" are part of it. He will complete what he started and if we try to do the same we will be aligning ourselves with God's heart for our lives..

The white blob is a kitties nose..

Just a quick post after watching the news.

We have all heard about the massacres in Norway. It's a horrible thing! It seems not a month can go by with out something happening in the world that is completely unfair, something that causes so much suffering. As Christians we need to pray pray and pray some more about these things. But how can we help a problem so big or other problems so far away from us. Should we just pray for things and people in our own area?

It brings to mind a scene from Star Wars. The scene where Yoda is teaching Luke about the force. He tells Luke to lift his ship out of a swamp using the force. Luke tries but declares he will never be able to get the ship out, seeing that it is too big for him to extract from the water. Yoda then teaches him that you just have to believe. Now check out this bible verse.

Mathew 21:18-22

Early in the morning, as he was on his way back to the city, he was hungry. Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, "May you never bear fruit again!" Immediately the tree withered.

When the disciples saw this, they were amazed. "How did the fig tree wither so quickly?" they asked.

Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."

A mountain!! Jesus is saying if you have faith and do not doubt that anything is possible! Nothing is too big! Nothing! So we need to pray that the world be changed! We can pray for the WHOLE WORLD! for ALL PEOPLE! Anything is possible with God if we have faith and do not doubt.. I know it's easier said than done but wow.. That should give us some hope even in the face of suffering and horrible world tragedies.

Sleep, the constant, or in my case the non constant (Joel the vampire)

We all need sleep and I am no exception. What I am and have always been an exception to is the normal sleep pattern. What is normal? well according to dictionary.com it is;
conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.
The usual sleep pattern could be described as going to bed by oh lets say 11pm and waking up around 7 or 8am. In adults roughly 7 to 9 hours a night.

Okay so where do I differ?

Well for as long as I remember I've had trouble falling asleep. My mind was always the most active at night. Shutting it down was a very lengthy and sometimes unsuccessful process. Then with my hatred of school emerging and my anxiety and depression on the rise I started going to bed later and later and sleeping later and later in the day until I was literally on an opposite sleep pattern from most healthy adults. Sometimes not falling asleep until 7 or 8am and waking up sometimes as late as supper time or on some occasions later. I was always more creative at night as well so it just fed into this pattern.

I don't think normal is always the way to go and I personally love people who aren't "normal" but here's how it messed me up.

Sleeping all day does not help with social activities, professional activities, recreational activities, my love life, imagine trying to date a guy who can only see you after supper or expecting a girl to want that kind of relationship.. I was a freaken vampire okay?? I actually started having trouble being out in the sun as well because my eyes were so unused to how bright it was. Overall it was feeding my depression and anxiety and making all parts of my life more difficult and some non existent.

As the call from God started to become more clear in my life I was realizing that I was going to need to change this bad habit not only to have a "normal" life but also because it had become a coping mechanism for my anxiety and depression. If I felt really bad I would sleep even longer and more off a normal pattern. It's good to have coping mechanisms sometimes but you don't want something to become a crutch so much that you don't work at healing.

I guess we all have our crutches. For me alcohol was also one, I will talk more about that in a different post. We really need to make sure we don't rely on crutches and forget that they don't really help us heal. Truly Healing means facing our problems and that's what I have realized. The only true help we can get is from God. With that said I slept all day today.. So you see it is still a struggle in my life but it's a struggle I will face head on with God on my side and I know I will overcome it!! We have to state God's truth against our crutches and believe we can face the true issues in our lives to have full and complete healing.

What does change take?

Okay so let me start by trying to explain my blog title because I'm sure it sounds a bit offish. Well not the name part. My name is Joel so that makes sense buuuuttttt what, you might ask, do I mean with the square peg round thingy thing.. Okay hold your horses fella I'm getting to that.

Do you remember the kids toy where you had four different shapes of different colors that would fit into corresponding holes. As I recall it was a star, a square, a circle and a triangle. (You probably see where I'm going here) If you didn't fit the shape with it's proper hole you couldn't push it through, it wouldn't go anywhere. For kids, myself especially it seemed, this was frustrating, sad and down right annoying. Eventually if you couldn't get it right the adults would give you special help and you would learn that they are all different shapes and each had only one place it could fit. I caught on eventually and it seemed simple enough, no hidden meaning or message at the time. But as I began to age and develop more as a person (this would include the beginnings of a very bad anxiety disorder and being diagnosed with ADHD) I started to see this simple game reflecting a scary truth in my life and life in general. I was one shape, oh let's say a circle, and it felt like I was being forced into a square hole. With school, church, friends, family and even sleep, I just wasn't fitting. Something in my life wasn't aligning properly and it was causing me stress, fear and confusion.

Let me also say I'm a PK, for those of you who don't know what that means it's a Pastor's kid. So I grew up with God all around me, I had to go to church every Sunday (not easy with ADHD and Anxiety). I felt like I was close to God in some ways and that I knew how important He was but again I wasn't lining up my shape and it just wouldn't fit with the way church was at the time or how I saw God (I should have been listening to Him more). I felt the adults, authorities and establishments in my life were saying, "that's too bad Joel, there is only one place a circle like you fits." So I would try and try and try... and try some more to make myself fit but it just made me feel more alone and scared which then led to, drum roll please, you guessed it, rebellion.

There is so much back story to this/me that have lead me to where I am (Hospital visits, nervous break downs, leaving school, alcohol addiction, lies, Denial, bar fights) And sadly more.. I want to get to all that eventually I promise, but for now I'll leave it out and just say the reason I want to do a blog and vent is simply that something has shifted in the last few months, something big in my life is changing. I feel like I have finally started to see the truth, God's truth. I want to share the journey with others to maybe help them and as therapy for me. I want to post videos, poetry, painting and writings.. Or anything I come up with really..

I guess I could say I finally lined my shape up with it's proper hole but I realized something else... There was only one place I fit and it wasn't a spot created by society or in my own mind, where I fit was into God's plan, one He had for me from the beginning. He knew I wasn't a circle, a square, a triangle or a star. He knew I was Joel created by Him for His purpose. It's a simple analogy I know but it helps me. So there are no shapes for us to force ourselves into. There is only God's truth for our lives and that is between us and God. Not us and church or us and school or us and our families.

This, I guess, is how I will start my blog. Although now that I've started I realize all the things I'm leaving out and I want to write about way more. Which I will do most likely tomorrow since it is 8:30am and I haven't slept yet... uh oh spaghetti squares!!!

I'll end on something I came up with when thinking about why change sometimes seems to happen all of the sudden or sometimes only half happens and why it can happen to you too at any time no matter what your circumstance is.. So here is what I realized for me.

For a person to change they need only for their heart to acknowledge God's truth and then to make the decision to fight for that truth in their life no matter the cost.

Fight for truth baby!

PS I suck at grammer grammur grammuer grammar and spelingf